I slept through the week, what happened?

20th December 2020

Santa comes to Australia early, coughs all over the presents bound for the Northern Beaches

Breaching self-isolation requirements, Mr Claus has coped a $1k fine, and from now on, he (and any other international flight crew) will have to spend 14 days in supervised isolation. This pushes the date for Christmas back well into the late 21st century — officially extending 2020 to as long as it has felt.

Gladys Peterdinklian considers wall to protect the Inner Westeros

The NSW Premiere has ramped up restrictions, and hasn’t ruled out a building a massive ice wall to protect the ‘Inner Westeros’ from the White (but excessively tanned) Walkers who roam mindlessly north of the Spit Bridge.

Storms cause largest erosion on Gold Coast since meth addict’s gums

Local junkie, “Brad” has handed over the title of biggest erosion on the coast to a new champion: La Nina on Climate Change. He says he’s disappointed but “iss hard to keep up, what with all them nuclear sharknados and stuff the climate scientists keep talkin’ about”. Brad spends a lot of time reading YouTube comments.

The storm cut off the Currumbin Beach ‘Vikings’ Surf Club from the main coastline, as waves and surges wore away the connecting sand bank. True to its name, as soon it broke away, ghosts of vikings appeared on the battered sun-deck, wielding axes and jugs of Pacific Ale, ready to defend their new island nation.

Abductors of 344 teenage boys find new respect for single parents

Islamist group Boko Haram have claimed responsibility for abducting around 350 boys from secondary school in Kankara town in North-Western Nigeria. They were held captive in a forest region for a week under cold conditions, fed bread and cassava (a root vegetable), and allegedly forced to participate in inhumane team-building high-ropes courses.

It’s not known whether the release of the boys was due to security forces surrounding the forest, or merely because looking after teenage boys proved more than the militant group were trained for.