I slept through the week, what happened?
30th December 2018
Many times, ahead of Christmas, I’ve thought about calling in a bomb threat or other security scare at my in-law’s house to avoid the awkwardness of standing around with a Crownie talking to my brother- and uncle-in-law about football, or utes, or throwing rocks at cans or whatever it is guys do these days (I usually tune out at some point). The prospect of jail-time was more appetising than yet more overdone Barramundi.
However, residents of Opal Tower in Sydney received the gift I was never given: Christmas was cancelled.
A failing concrete panel was enough to evacuate 150 apartments right in time for anyone who had forgotten to pick up the Christmas Crackers, with many residents quite upset.
One displaced woman stating: “All of us with pets, we have valuable things in our apartments, you ask us to move all the valuable things with us — it’s impossible.”
Indeed, having to consider what to take and… wait… what about the pets, though? Did you get distracted thinking about your plasma TV and diamante-encrusted nespresso machine?
Are the pets still in the building, re-enacting scenes from old Friends episodes while nobody is watching?
She continued, “Nobody is responsible for anything, if it goes missing in our apartments, any compensation”.
A fair concern. Now the whole of Sydney knows that there are 150 vacant apartments with some leftover valuables that didn’t fit in those big tartan plastic bags you stuff at the top of your wardrobe (and also some pets). But think about it: the thieves would have to run the gauntlet of the building collapsing while they were looting. It would be much like attempting a parliamentary leadership challenge; tempting, but inevitably, even if you get in, things are going to collapse before you get out safely.
Opal Tower is now resembling Sydney’s Opal Card, where you end up with poorly communicated alternatives being arranged for you right when it’s most inconvenient.
The director of the construction company, ECove, has said, “the city’s ‘development boom’ has not led to cutting of corners … There has been no cutting of corners.” Of course they didn’t need to cut corners, they figured the corners would fall off eventually.
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has not responded to questions as to whether this is a publicity stunt to drum up DVD sales of “Skyscraper”.
New Years resolution for NASA: smugly produce the first ever photographs of another planet (or planety thing)
Spacecraft, New Horizons, will finally live up to its name after 13 years of flying through space with no contact, much like my jokes.
After the galaxy’s worst red-eye flight, New Horizons will fly past Ultima Thule, a small 30km diameter body floating in an asteroid belt, which is almost certainly the origin of most super-villains. “I am from Ultima Thule, and I have come to destroy all is good on earth, like ad blockers and Taco Tuesdays!”
The craft will fly past at 50,000 km/h, and somebody is gonna need to be ready with the camera. You know when you’re with somebody and you’re like “get your camera out, you’re going to miss it,” and they’re like “Don’t worry I’m ready… wait, I’m on the wrong shutter mode, why can’t I see anything, OH the lens cap is on,” and you just want to push them off the viewing platform? It’s like that.
Also, does anyone have any photos of the shark feeding from Sea World circa 1998? I’d like something to remember the experience by.
Bangladesh heads to the polls.
In the blue corner, almost 10 year defending champion is Sheikh Hasina, who has held the title since 2009.
In the red corner… well nobody really. BBC’s report states: “Ms Hasina is expected to win, while her main rival is in jail for corruption.”
That would help somewhat. Perhaps it’s time the West starts cherry picking some of these novel ideas that developing countries are coming out with. Like putting corrupt politicians in jail, and letting the elected leader stay in power long enough to have an impact on the country.
However not all is as peachy as a Mario princess. The incarcerated opposition leader, Khaleda Zia, claims the charges were politically motivated, and the opposition party has allegedly had hundreds of thousands of arrests and acts of violence made against them, in acts of intimidation.
That’s like showing your parents that your brother has been giving you bruises, then getting the neighbour’s kid to steal your other siblings’ lunch money and leave My Little Pony heads their bunkbed.
The opposition is promising government reform and lifting the ban on free speech, while Sheikh Hasina’s party (the Awami League) is running a growth and jobs campaign.
It is unclear how many of these jobs would be in a special police force to arrest more opposition candidates.
Macaulay Culkin has officially changed his middle name, after asking fans to help him decide.
He chose the best 5 from hundreds of submissions and put it to a fan poll.
The options were: “Macaulay Culkin, Shark Week, TheMcRibIsBack, Publicity Stunt, and… Kieran”.
Kieran…? Was Macaulay holding out some naive glimmer of hope that the twitter community had turned a new face this Christmas and found a magnanimous streak of compassion and mercy for another vulnerable human being?
You’ll be pleased to hear, no, Twitter did not disappoint.
Macaulay Culkin’s new middle name is: Macaulay Culkin. It got more votes than, wait for it… all the other options combined.
And Macaulay is planning on following through with the promise. This is the democracy we sorely need in our parliaments right now. Somebody who will stand up and execute on what the people want!
It leaves me curious as to what the other options he glossed over were. I would have put forward: ‘Flower’, as in Macaulay Flower Culkin. Like if McDonalds had a cauliflower-based burger, it would be called the… look never mind, if I have to explain it then it’s not worth it.
The news sites have also been hot on putting out ‘year of 2018’ recaps, largely focusing on the celebrities we lost along the way.
But are journalists playing it too safe? There seems to be a reluctance to make any comment on which celebrities are set to die in 2019. Fingers crossed it will be somebody who did some inappropriate touching.
It’s that time of the year — to be outraged at Hot Cross Buns coming out too early, having been spotted in stores as early as boxing day. It seems like the only good reason to venture near stores on boxing day, if I’m honest.
Did they beat last year’s record? I personally blame climate change. Ever since CO2 emissions have been rising, festive retail goods have been getting earlier and earlier each year.
I hope some years down the track I can enjoy pumpkin spice lattes in March at one of Queensland’s up-and-coming ski resorts. Meanwhile, in climate news, countries are back-pedalling out of emissions commitments, and we are still on track to being totally screwed (with Hot Cross Buns available year-round, though!).