I slept through the week, what happened?
11th October 2020
YES, WE ALL AGREE IT WAS A ‘BLESSING IN DISGUISE’
Easily the biggest political water-cooler gossip this week was Trump’s ongoing journey with his covid diagnosis.
When a true leader of the free world contracts a deadly virus, the world responds with nonpartisan sympathy and blessings. However, when an asshole contracts a deadly virus, you glimpse the neighbour cracking a cold one on a weeknight, and give them an air-cheers.
It seemed appropriate to apply an experimental and unproven approach for Trump’s covid infection, given Trump has been applying an experimental and unproven approach to America’s covid infection since day 1.
“I’m feeling perfect, there is nothing wrong”, is what someone called Paulie would say at a family breakfast after ubering straight there from a huge night on the pingers.
One of the drugs given to Trump during his time in hospital, dexamethasone, has known side-effects of causing ‘mania’ and ‘steroid psychosis’. What is not known, is how this affects someone who is already a psychotic maniac. Bond villain character-writers were contacted, but declined to comment.
FRYDENBERG REVEALS: WHY HE ALWAYS LOOKS SO CONCERNED
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has turned that frown into a backdown… on delivering a budget surplus.
In the face of Australia’s first recession in 30 years, it was a shift understood by all but the opposition (as is customary), though the details of its shortcomings have been quickly highlighted.
Anyone who is currently unemployed will rest assured knowing that the newly fast-tracked tax cuts mean they’ll still be paying $0 tax on their non-existent income. You can’t ask for a better deal than that.
JobMaker credits for employers will now be $200 a week for new employees under 30 years of age and $100 a week for employees 30 and 35. “Just to make it clear, if you’re unemployed and just turned 30, fuck you a little bit — and if you’re 35 or over, a lot. Although you can be thankful you’re not an aged person, who we have done nothing for”.
The Government will be cutting Australia’s humanitarian intake, saving almost a billion dollars in coming years. Turns out it’s actually pretty expensive to lock people people up indefinitely on a remote island! (Tip: if I’m over-budget while planning an overseas trip, I usually shorten my stay)
And to directly stimulate 10,000 jobs, there is $250mil allocated to revitalising domestic recycling infrastructure, seeing as international relations with China have deteriorated to a point where they are no longer willing to import even our trash.
NSW SIFTING THROUGH SHIT LITERALLY, AND SLINGING IT FIGURATIVELY
NSW health has started digging for nuggets of covid evidence in sewage systems, in the newest strategy for early detection.
Tourism NSW was quick to welcome the move, stating it may address the lull in the diving tours industry.
Traces of the virus were detected in multiple locations, just days before the state’s 12-day streak was broken by newly diagnosed local cases. Applying the sort of logic used by people who comment on facebook livestreams, we can conclude these people were swimming in the sewers due to draconian social distancing restrictions at aquatic centres.
With the news, Annastacia Palaszczuk has slammed the QLD gate shut on reopening to NSW on Nov 1, stating “I don’t want Gladys coming to my party mum”, to which Berejiklian responded “Dan, tell Annastacia I’m not talking to her… No, Dan, you can’t come over to play”.